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Joke of the Day

"Me: Can I bring my wife? Travel Agent: Of course Me: But I'm hetero. Does that matter? Travel Agent: Do you think I'm saying Gayman Islands?"

"Stop being so hard on yourself. You don't have to be a complete idiot. Just be the best idiot you can be."

"Just got back from Sam's Club - got a great new electric piano, 19 pack of BBQ lighters, and a impulse kayak - fuck forgot milk"

"Although not as effective as finger quotes, finger commas and finger periods are way fun."

"Want to hear a clean joke? Jerry took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is a man."

"Is your wife single?"

"How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card???"

"Who wants to hear a Star Wars Spoiler? Darth Vader is Luke's dad."

"[talking to my guide dog] this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again [from a nearby speaker] ""FIFTEEN-LOVE"""

"Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents."