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Joke of the Day

"'Pizza Hut, can I take your order?' Me: 'May I speak with the owl, please?' 'Who?' Me: 'Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.'"

"What do Winnie the Pooh and Ivan the Terrible have in common? The same middle name. (Shamelessly stolen from Cortana.)"

"My girlfriend hates my cheesy jokes They really grate on her"

"I really, really need to stop eating clocks It is very time consuming"

"I didn't get that job I wanted testing invisibility potions. Apparently they don't hire blind people."

"We think you may have a phobia of marriage Doctor: We think you may have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are? Me: I can't say I do. Doctor: That's one of the symptoms, yes."

"What did PSY say when he choked on a burger? Whop, Whop Whop Whop Whop ... Whopper Gangnam Style."

"How are eating a girl out and working for the CIA similar? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit. (Thanks to u/Gary_III for pointing out the mistake last time"

"Barack Obama is on a sinking ship, who gets saved? The Country!"

"I miss the days before the internet, when you didn't know some person's every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic."