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Joke of the Day

"At the ripe old age of 900, in a universe inhabited by thousands of alien races, I bet Yoda had some pretty racist shit to say."

"[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices] Professor: ""That's just not what I meant when I said ""come prepared""..."""

"All the toilets at the police station were stolen! The police have nothing to go on."

"Me: The Calvin and Hobbes movie was awesome! Her: Idiot, that was Life of Pi. Me: Whatever *gets in cardboard time machine, flies to Mars*"

"Even after 20 years, Jared Fogle is still getting into smaller and smaller jeans."

"Apparently, when your boss asks you to get a cake for a coworker's 60th birthday, 'cake' is not code for 'stripper.' Live & learn, guys."

"What do you call someone who only watches Horror Anime? A Ouijaboo."

"what do you call a snake that studies past events? a *HISS*torian"

"Why would it suck to be an egg? Because you only get laid once, only get smashed once, and the only chick that sits on your face is your mother"

"Imagine if people still used typewriters! We'd have to sit in a giant circle and throw pieces of paper at each other."