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Joke of the Day

"[job interview] ""I'll never hire you"" ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I'm swordf- NO IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE"

"I've had a shitty week. I either want to curl up in the fetal position or the fecal position."

"What did the Asian pirate do when he saw a crowd? He fry through it!"

"End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face"

"I'm always a big fan of the prison teardrop tattoo. It says I'm sensitive but I've killed people."

"Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt? Yes the bible tells how Joseph served in Pharoah's court!"

"If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it still make a sound? No, because trees can't talk."

"Whats the funniest type of bird? Crows! they're the undisputed kings of CAW-Medy"

"I was a house painter for five years I didn't think I'd ever finish that fucking house"

"What did Mike Tyson say when he saw mold? That's growth."