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Joke of the Day

"God gave me a choice when I was born: a good memory or a big dick. I don't remember which one I chose."

"What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Slap her."

"I'm voting for Trump... I've never seen a president assassinated."

"Why are French snails faster than American snails? L'ess cargo"

"I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry."

"The man who invented distorted mirrors has died. His funeral will be held in asymmetry."

"What's the do a girlfriend and an ice cream cone have in common? The ones that are hot don't last as long"

"My psychologist and psychiatrist don't agree on my diagnosis so yes, I get what it's like to have people fighting over me."

"Tomatoes grow so fast. Other plants can't even ketchup."

"God: What's that? Noah: The aquarium God: For what? Noah: The fish God: Fish can survive floods Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL"