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Joke of the Day

"How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? They don't. They just beat up the room for being dark and arrest the light for being broke."

"Where do Russian Spy's live? In a Snow Den. (This is a joke. Please refrain from yelling at me, that he is not a spy. Thank you and have a nice day.)"

"There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are."

"I have started a band called Free Beer. When people see our sign 'Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM' I'm sure everyone is going to be there."

"Whenever one door closes, another opens. ..perhaps the one who built the house didn't do a good job."

"I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year... Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too."

"Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning..."

"After watching ""Breaking Bad"" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I'd rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician."

"SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year ME: what the hell are you talking about"

"I think I'm overcoming dyslexia. I learned a new abbreviation today: DNA, or National Dyslexic Association."