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Joke of the Day

"I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work"

"Me: Damn dog is under the covers again! Wife: No she's not. She's next to the bed. Me: Oh. Wife: ... Me: Might be time to shave your legs."

"How many parents does it take to raise a homicidal maniac? Two, then one, then none"

"Unemployed teachers ..... Have no class"

"""Good timing, Ke$ha"" I say as her song starts playing on the radio and I turn on the vacuum cleaner."

"I want to be a ""cool"" uncle, so I let my nephew play with all the things I wasn't allowed to when I was his age. Mostly knives and bleach."

"What do fat chicks and mopeds have in common? Both fun to ride just don't let your friends see you doing it."

"I'm not racist! I have like 3 friends! And five of them are black."

"I just got a great deal on some real estate in California. It was a fire sale!"

"Not entirely sure what a ""propriate"" is, but apparently I'm in it..."