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Joke of the Day

"""Good timing, Ke$ha"" I say as her song starts playing on the radio and I turn on the vacuum cleaner."

"*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I've been conditioning a lot for this race"

"My girlfriend just called me old fashioned. I almost dropped my Walkman."

"A guy walks into a bar with a gun and asks out loud ""who had sex with my wife!?"" A voice up the back said, ""you don't have enough bullets!"""

"Me when my friends are sad: 268 text messages of advice and tell them how perfect they are. Then when I'm sad: Oh, sorry ."

"""A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie."""

"Two hippies, a man and a woman, fell off a cliff at the same time. Which one died first? Neither. It was a tie-die."

"Are these potato chips so much healthier b/c they're Baked? My brother is baked all the time, and he's got diabetes."

"What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson!"

"Did you hear about the guy who took his suppositories orally? He said, ""For all the good these are doing me, I may as well shove 'em up my ass!"""