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Joke of the Day

"british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza? british guy: tea british waiter: jolly good choice [both laugh britishingly]"

"Some say I'm an apathetic person... But really, I just don't care."

"UNGRATEFUL GIRLFRIEND I swear that I have the most ungrateful girlfriend in the world. Every time I give her an orgasm.......she spits it out"

"In honor of Mother's day yesterday, did anyone here play jokes on their mom instead of give gifts?"

"You can never really be alone... Except if you don't have a smart phone."

"What's the difference between a cheap hooker and an expensive one? You'll get crabs from the cheap one, and lobsters from the other. Heard this years ago, hope this ain't a repost. Cheers"

"SCIENTIST: it's our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom"

"Yeah, he jumped from 128,000 feet, but I fixed the shower today with a 4yo asking what i was doing 128,000 times.... Lets call it tie, ok?"

"What did the monster say to the Thanksgiving turkey? ""Pleased to eat you!"""

"I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says ""Your sister wouldn't have missed that."""