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Joke of the Day

"A: My bag is getting heavier B: Why? A: Because I don't smoke... B: How does it matter?? A: ""It ain't got any lighter"""

"I'm really pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got eight fridges."

"What's a neckbeard's favorite pie? Lemon m'ringue pie"

"Nothing is creepier than driving next to someone on the highway at the exact same speed."

"Getting a girlfriend is a lot like getting a car The more money you have, the more options you have."

"The chicken crossed the road. Him: Why did the chicken cross the road ? Her: Because she had heard that the mayor was going to lay a cornerstone and she wanted to see if he could really do it."

"What car do dogs drive? A Doge charger"

"I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80's cartoons taught me to do it as a kid."

"What's the difference between a baby and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't cry when it takes a load."

"I'll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen."