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Joke of the Day

"They say the best things come in small packages So I fucked a midget"

"The most tedious aspect of my job is the part where I have to jiggle the mouse every 30 minutes to keep the screensaver from activating."

"boss: I've been reviewing the security footage from last night and... me: OH SHIT! boss: OH SHIT IS RIGHT! YOUR DANCE MOVES ARE ON POINT!"

"Hey buddy I was reminded of you this morning. But then I flushed the toilet and went on about my business."

"(Job interview) ""How would you describe yourself?"" I'm very vague ""Ok, can you be more specific?"" No"

"I used to have a dog named Ass. RIP Ass"

"I hate when her husband comes home early. She says I'm the pool boy. And I spend the next few hours cleaning the pool. This is BULLSH!T!"

"WebMD: You have cancer. Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake. WebMD: And good thing you did... Cuz of the cancer."

"Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection - except one. He's never gonna give you Up."

"[begin metajoke] What did the drunk Chinese customer say to the bartender? No have to cut me off. Fall off barstool by myself. [end metajoke]"