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Joke of the Day

"remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life"

"I accidentally just laughed at something my 4-year-old did so now I have to pretend to laugh as she does it forty thousand more times."

"Can you guys in earlier time zones please tweet me if the world ends in the future?"

"I cheated in the annual rabbit racing contest..... I won by a hare"

"Girl, are you a conspiracy theory? Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say."

"Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job? [flashback to everyone chanting ""SHIT PANTS""] Me: It was just time for a change."

"What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Being raped by a giant scorpion."

"Someone from Cairo unfollowed me today which makes me think he must've really hated my tweets to find a way to get on the web to do it."

"There is no 'I' in narcissism. OK, there are a couple but there certainly isn't enough of them."

"A neutron walks into a bar and asks: ""How much for a beer?"" The bartender replies: ""For you? No charge."""