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Joke of the Day

"My wife asked me to go out and get something that makes her look pretty. So I went out and got drunk."

"q: what's brown and sits on the piano, steaming ? a: Beethoven's 1st movement."

"Why did the stoner eat cannabis-infused chocolate laxatives? Just for shits 'n' giggles..... Bored at work thought I'd make up a joke"

"What do you call a girl with one leg. Eileen."

"Fruits are single-handedly keeping the sticker industry afloat."

"They say alcohol cures everything, but that's a lie... It still hasn't cured my alcoholism."

"What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The wheelchair."

"What do you call a 5 year old with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor"

"Holy shit, just invented the funnest work game ever. Go get on the phone with men but call them ma'am. Listen as they deepen their voices."

"I don't like drug tests... They're not my cup of pee."