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Joke of the Day

"I never wanted to believe that my father was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there."

"I am going to make a new app that will be like Twitter exclusively for kids! It will be called Sesame Tweet."

"Me ""Hey honey, I got hurt at work, Donna brought me to the hospital and the Doctors are trying to save my leg."" Her ""Who's Donna??"""

"The free internet services I use the least are the ones that email me the most often to tell me how useful they are."

"Plenty of great people were single just like you are. For instance: Voldemort. Wait, bad example. You're way less talented than Voldemort."

"Egg and a sausage sizzling away in a frying pan The egg says ""fuck me its hot in here"". The sausage goes ""fuck me, a talking egg!"""

"ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec- ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here? ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let's hear him out."

"LPT: If you ever find yourself lost in the wild... ...simply misspell the SOS signal and some arsehole will show up within minutes to correct you."

"My sister's got hay fever, and now she has diabetes. I tried to cheer her up. You know, the usual. Flowers, chocolates"

"Maths and Girls are the most complicated things, but Maths at least has some logic."