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Joke of the Day

"oh hey mom. no i'm just Skyping with my girlfriend. what do you mean am i just playing a Vine of a girl saying i love you over and over"

"what's the healthiest thing about eating a wheelchair? The vegetable."

"Don't play stupid with me.. That's a game you won't win"

"Its so awkward meeting new people. Especially when they go in for a handshake and you go in for an open-mouth kiss."

"What does a Bactrian camel have in common with a very lazy prostitue? Humps on the back."

"The minute I even contemplate wearing a white shirt, 11 jars of salsa fall from the sky and spill on it and then it catches on fire"

"note to TV shows: I do not want, nor will I ever want, a look inside the episode"

"Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher? Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can't, there's been an accident."

"The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller."

"Why didn't the Christmas Cake go to the dance? He had his raisins..."