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Joke of the Day

"Its so awkward meeting new people. Especially when they go in for a handshake and you go in for an open-mouth kiss."

"Well it's taken 10 years, but I've just finished my first book.... I think I will start reading another tomorrow.."

"Old MacDonald was dyslexic H-R-T-Q-P"

"I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company. I'm now the main stake holder."

"Day 16,607: Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope"

"It's only an overdose if you're dead."

"How can you tell a male dinosaur from a female dinosaur? Ask it a question. If he answers it's a male; if she answers it's female."

"Someday I wish to experience the moment of joy that seems to only exist in Old Navy commercials."

"My stages of drunk: 1. You're UGLY 2. You're HOT 3. You're BEAUTIFUL 4. Your HONOR in my defense......"

"Who makes more money, a cocaine dealer or a prostitute? A prostitute because she can always wash her crack and sell it again!"