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Joke of the Day
"Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago"
Next Joke
"I thought time away from my phone would be good, but then I thought of a tweet & had to write it on a Post-it note like some fucking savage."
"What do you say when a corrupt Soviet takes a bathroom break right before war? Now you're just Stallin."
"Just once, I'd like to open up my refrigerator and find cartoon versions of my favorite foods arguing over which one of them is healthier."
"Do let me know if you're ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You're welcome :)"
"Why couldn't you hear the pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pterodactyl is extinct."
"A sexy radical feminist walks out of a civil rights meeting with blood on her hands... ... When asked what happened, she replied: ""a small issue came up, and we had to cut it short"""
"Have I told you about my vacation to Oklahoma? It went fucking horribly."
"What do you call an all you can eat pizza buffet? Carb Blanche!"
"Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home: 1. He talks to you. 2. He buys you a drink. 3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy."