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Joke of the Day

"I thought time away from my phone would be good, but then I thought of a tweet & had to write it on a Post-it note like some fucking savage."

"DOG 911: what's your emergency? DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller DOG 911: *covers phone* WE'VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY"

"I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex."

"Why is salsa dancing so popular? Guacamole dancing is an extra $1.80."

"Q: Why did the old lady put wheels on her rocking chair? A: She wanted to rock and roll"

"*The most messed up jokes you know* I'll start: What's worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother's pussy? Sucking out thirteen of them and realizing you only put in a dozen."

"ME: [bumps man] MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry ME: No MAN: Then I'll see you in court ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won't"

"Chuck Norris actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him."

"Why didn't Toronto's mayor tell us earlier about his drug use? It must have fallen through a crack."

"Why is it called a Wonder Bra? When she takes it off you wonder where her tits went."