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Joke of the Day

"I have conversational ninja skills... People don't notice when I'm talking."

"[Couples Therapy] HER: He keeps pretending he's a doctor. This relationship is dead HIM: I'm calling it. Time of death, 9:26 ME: OMG SEE!"

"One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I'm what u would call a rebel."

"I was going to tell a joke about sodium But Na"

"What does a Gynecologist and Pizza Delivery guy have in common? Both get to smell the goods but neither get to eat it. (A straight rip from /r/funny with my apologies)"

"4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door? Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific? 4: No reason."

"They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys. I don't have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don't look weird."

"Who Died? The husband comes home drunk. His wife asks him: -Where have you been?! -**At the cemetery...** - And who died? -**You won't believe it: they are all died**"

"Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?! 4-year-old: 2-year-old: 4-year-old: 2-year-old: 4-year-old: The dog."

"MY DATE WHO IS A SQUID: What movie should we see? ME, SECRETLY TRYING TO HARVEST HER INK: Something super scary *I empty my popcorn bucket*"