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Joke of the Day

"*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache CW: *hands me 5 Advil* Woah there brother I'm not about to OD here, 2 will do"

"[confession booth] me: *sneezes* priest: I'm not falling for that one again dan"

"What do Intel, Google, Uber, eBay, McDonalds, Budweiser, AT&T, Oracle, Disney, Boeing, IBM and Apple have in common? Immigrants"

"Based on my search history, Google suggests: A social life"

"At which place do mostly all men and women have curly hair? Namibia... but i like the way you think ( )"

"Why are homosexuals always happy? Cause they're gay (happy)."

"They shouldn't be called Alligators they should be called AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHlligators! I made this one myself."

"I used to have a roommate who was always smoking in my apartment, but only with e-cigs. He died of e-cancer."

"Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they will never meet."

"Just had a really enlightening yoga session! LOLJK! I'm drinking warm whiskey out of a water bottle designed for hamsters."