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Joke of the Day

"when you push a pull door and the person behind says ""you need to pull"" aye cheers lad sure next plan was to start lifting from the bottom"

"I kicked my rear-view mirror addiction... I'm never looking back."

"ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party? FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again"

"My wife fave birth to our daughter yesterday. She was born with jaundice So there she was - small round and yellow. We called her *melon*-y"

"How is American beer similar to having sex in a canoe? It's fucking close to water. (A Canadian just told me this joke)"

"What did one ocean say to the other? I'm not completely shore, but it must have been pretty deep."

"Instead of accusing me of eating your leftover pie, ask yourself why you had any left to begin with, quitter *said thru a mouthful of pie*"

"What is the most independent kind of cheese? Prov alone."

"My deity ignored my prayers today. The sacrifice was a disaster. First, I didn't have the correct incantation, and then the goat knocked over the candles. I guess two wrongs don't make a rite."

"What do you say to a lady that has to make 100 shirts by tomorrow? you seamstressed"