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Joke of the Day

"Instead of accusing me of eating your leftover pie, ask yourself why you had any left to begin with, quitter *said thru a mouthful of pie*"

"Social media is nice because now we can all experience profound solitude and isolation together."

"*walkig around department store that is full of wat clearly are christmas decorations* its haloween again ALREADY??"

"I'm like the fruit cake of my family. Nobody likes me but I show up every Christmas anyway."

"Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement. THEY'RE EVOLVING."

"What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit's fingers!"

"A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes. I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me."

"I had a really long dream last night that I was a muffler under a car. When I woke up this morning I was exhausted!"

"Mental note, its inappropriate, according to the HR department, to put your hand on the back of a female coworkers head as she eats a banana"

"With the recent events in the news... My Facebook friends list is starting to look like the French revolution."