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Joke of the Day

"Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency! Me: *grabs tools* Neighbor is naked and wet Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?"

"Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy."

"My therapist raped me. Who can I talk to about that?"

"There is no ""I"" in ""team."" But there's an ""I"" in ""Tim,"" and my friend Carlos pronounces it ""team."" So there."

"I've been calling my wife ""honey"" for 12 years because I don't know how to tell her I forgot her name."

"Alsation: How did you find the fleas? Beagle: I didn't! They found me!"

"My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram"

"I like dating black girls because...... ...I hate meeting dads"

"Hey guys where do Chemists come from? ... From the *Stork*iometry. I'll see myself out now."

"I'm beginning to think that Judas Priest might not be a Christian rock band."