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Joke of the Day

"Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy."

"What do you call a snobby felon falling down the stairs? A condescending condescending!"

"Duck in my soup. Me: Waiter, there's a duck in my soup... Waiter: That's a pond, you're at a park, I'm just here with my family, will you put some pants on?"

"There's 3 kinds of people in this world people who can count, and people who can't count"

"Rules Rule #1: There are no rules! Rule #2: Rule #1 is a lie! There are ALL THE RULES!"

"[trial] Judge: how do you plead? ""not guilty"" J: but you've admitted to dropping an anvil on him. ""he asked me to make him a pancake"""

"Would you like some salt? Na."

"What was Bob the Builder called after he retired? Bob."

"Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom? Defendant: no Lawyer: spell ""ICUP"" Defendant: I-C-U-P Judge: *softly* omg Jury: *whispering*"

"What's the best part about buying dishes that are made in Mexico? They wash themselves."