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Joke of the Day

"Uber driver: ""I'm close, where are you?"" Me: ""oh I see you"" Uber Driver: ""Are you the guy in the middle of the road?"" Me: ""yeah floor it"""

"Why is Wrestling similar to porn? because it's fun to watch when you're younger... but you get depressed when you're told it's fake."

"I ran into Donald Trump on other day He looked pretty flat when looked in my rear view mirror."

"*sits perfectly still for a 12-hour portrait painting* ""Delete it."""

"The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my house. I didn't know what to make of it."

"The only thing better than iPad... ...is an iTampon."

"Every tweet ever tweeted begins with an implied ""None of y'all asked my opinion, but ..."""

"Why were the people in twin towers upset? They ordered pepperoni pizza but all they got was plane"

"99 Problems If you havin adventure problems I feel bad for you son, I dodged 99 arrows but my knee took one. Hit me!"

"I just read a pamphlet about sex & I'm gonna be honest: it sounds pretty cool."