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Joke of the Day

"what do you call a patronizing criminal walking down stairs a condescending con descending"

"Husband: ""I have good news and bad news"" Wife: ""Tell me the bad news first."" Husband: ""The washing machine broke."" Wife: ""And the good news?"" Husband: ""The dogs are clean."""

"[job interview] ""Tell me a strength."" I'm a decision maker. ""Excellent. How about a weakness?"" I'm a bad decision maker."

"*sends signal to space 24/7 that just says Updog* *aliens respond* Alien: Whats Updog? NASA: Lol guess there isnt intelligent life out there"

"""Haha, Imagine Dragons. What a dumb band name."" -Neutral Milk Hotel fans"

"I hate when people people ask me what I'm doing in 5 years I mean like, come on guys I don't have 20/20 vision."

"I thought getting a vasectomy would stop my wife from getting pregnant Turns out it just changes the colour of the baby"

"I went to the barber before I had my SAT yesterday it really helped me clear my head"

"I like the phrase ""I wasn't born yesterday"" because it emphasizes the fact that babies are stupid."

"Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender."