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Joke of the Day

"I committed suicide today Never gonna do that shit again Nearly got myself killed"

"Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim's nose? Accused: No. *cries into palms Baby Judge: O, great, he's disappeared again."

"What did earth say to the other planets? You guys have no life!"

"I hope rapidly clicking this arrow on Google Street View counts as jogging."

"The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. Im not taking any chances. *locks doors*"

"You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal."

"My favorite new social app is turning off my phone."

"I like my whisky like I like my women. Left in an oak barrel for at least 3 years, with very little oxygen"

"My wife thinks I'm too drunk to take the goldfish for a walk, but I'll show her!"

"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too."