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Joke of the Day

"Why did Jesus die on the cross? He forgot the safe-word."

"Do you know what happened in the bathroom? Me either, but I heard a lot of shit going down."

"I'll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books."

"Why can't you trust a Lithium Ion battery? Because they're always Li-ion!"

"My phone autocorrects 'sex' into 'pez' in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is."

"What does Sean Connery call a greedy oyster? Shellfish."

"I Have The Body of a 25 Year Old Supermodel But it takes too much space in my freezer."

"Cop: Hey U! U: who, me? Cop: no the other 1! 1: who, me? Cop: both of U! W: who, us? Cop: Yes you! U: Who, me? Cop: No! No: yes?"

"I accidentally ran over a leprachaun. I brought it home and cooked it up. TRAGICALLY DELICIOUS!"

"What is the best music to air drum to while driving? Def Leppard, because you can keep on hand on the wheel."