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Joke of the Day

"Waiter: how do you want your burger? Me: *points to girl at another table not taking a picture of her dinner* that rare"

"Interviewer: Are you good at programming? Me: Yes, I'm very good at writing nondeterministic C++ programs. Interviewer gives me the job. #nerdjokes"

"If you're heartbroken, remember: There are plenty of fish in the sea. But I'd advise giving mankind another chance first."

"I've officially started crossing my sevens when I write them. It's a fun, easy way to distract myself from the fact that I'll be dead soon!"

"Who wants to play war? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell out of me!"

"whenever my mom criticizes me i yell ""it's probably genetic"" and run out of the room as fast as i can"

"What do you call a fake Irish diamond? A shamrock."

"AKA What's another word for Italian cologne? Garlic"

"You guys wanna hear a joke? Lil Wayne"

"Exits public bathroom stall Makes eye contact with the person next in line Mouths: ""I'm so sorry"""