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Joke of the Day

"Found $12 bucks today! Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now."

"[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985] Jesus: Let's do unlimited breadsticks. CEO: How can we supply that many? Jesus: *winks at camera*"

"Dear Architect, surely this bald spot on my head is a glitch in the matrix?"

"Build a man a fire and he will be warm for one day Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life"

"I hate three things in this world: math"

"""Do you love me more than you love sleep?"" ""I can't answer now. It's time for my nap!"""

"Why did the Mexican try to wear his taco? He was dyslexic."

"When I was a kid my mom told me I could become whatever I wanted So I became a disappointment"

"My Ex told me I overanalyse things... I'd believe her but she uses that excuse 19.3% of the time."

"I bet cats are sad that they don't have a middle finger."