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Joke of the Day

"Worst things about mid 40's: 1. Catching a view of yourself naked in the mirror. 2. Crying too hard to complete this list."

"Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you're literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone"

"What do McDonald's and a pedophile have in common? They both stick their meat between seven-year-old buns."

"What do you call somebody after you give them a noogie? A knucklehead."

"Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I'll sleep in the other room."

"I don't see why everyone resents the Headless Horseman... All he wanted was head."

"Why are hurricanes named with female names? Because when they come, they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and car with them."

"I almost got my fingers stuck in my cheese grater. It's one of my greater fears."

"What's fat and jolly and runs on eight wheels? Father Christmas on roller skates!"

"I've feeding my kid Green Beans for St Patties Day so I can have green vomit on me without having to drink 26 green beers."