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Joke of the Day

"Why do people ask ""What were you thinking?"" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain."

"'You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!' -pimples."

"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A licalatapus"

"My street looks like a garbage dump... ...litter ally!"

"One Girl, Two Cups would be a terrible name for a bra shop."

"The UK's economy. That's the joke."

"How do you get a homosexual man to have sex with a woman? Shit in her cunt"

"My mom was in a horrible car accident on her way to pick up lunch today. It's really bad guys, I need your prayers. I'm so hungry."

"Can everyone start saying salad is really bad for me so I can start craving it?"

"Me: Show me a pan that didn't get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak.. Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!"