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Joke of the Day

"How do you get a homosexual man to have sex with a woman? Shit in her cunt"

"The earthquake shortened Earth's day by 1.8 microseconds, so don't expect me to get everything done this week."

"What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and an AR 15? One is responsible for the deaths of Americans, the other is an inanimate object."

"What do magistrates have with their water? Just ice."

"The fact that axe handles are made of wood is the ultimate ""fuck you"" to trees."

"I always thought I should be a comedian... ... because growing up my parents always told me I was a fucking joke."

"Did you hear about the fire at the sprinkles factory? Hundreds and thousands were reported missing."

"Me: Two fingers here. Son: OK. M: One in the other hole. S: Got it. M: Relax your wrist. Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM? M: Bowling. Chill."

"Why is Phoenix such a great lawyer? Because he's ""Wright"" all the time."

"I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss's boss."