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Joke of the Day

"[vacuuming] Pick up your feet please. Kid on sofa: No! Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first* *turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please."

"My friend showed me a black computer he wanted to buy... I said ""Dont you mean an African American computer?"" and he replied ""Stop being so PC"""

"Why do space rocks taste better than Earth rocks? They're Meteor!"

"If I ever run into Captian Crunch, I'm gonna punch him in the roof of his mouth."

"I don't understand why everyone is getting so worked up about there being more than 2 genders... There's always been 3 anyways: male, female and wheelchair."

"If you walk a mile in my shoes, you'll end up at the bar..."

"My wife & I couldn't agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing. ""What did you do?"" We finally found a happy medium"

"""Everything I touch just turns to shit!"" - Large intestines"

"Batman walks into a bar... ...Followed by 24 Sodium atoms."

"Saw some Advil on the floor this morning and sincerely thought ""Better just leave it there so I know where it is."""