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Joke of the Day

"What does a landmine field and my pet friendly apartment complex have in common? It doesn't matter where you step, shit is about to happen"

"What song do pigs sing on New Year's Eve? Auld Lang Swine."

"A thing I learned at this week's staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep."

"An old woman and pizza delivery are a lot alike... They both ""come"" with a crust filled box."

"Apparently Rihanna and Christ Brown are releasing a song together. Given the recent passing of Michael Jackson, I think a cover of ""Beat It"" was an insensitive choice."

"If the head of CIA can't even hide his own affair it's pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon."

"What do robots dip in salsa? Microchips"

"Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver? A: She missed the Earth!"

"""I got you this for Valentine's Day."" [she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside] ""I think we should see other people."""

"do you have any idea how fast you were going? ""no, I'm not wearing my contacts"""