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Joke of the Day

"Lucy plans elaborate jewel heist. Lucy dons cat burglar suit to conceal identity. Lucy pulls off heist. Lucy in disguise with diamonds."

"My roommate says I don't respect personal space. That's at least what it says in his diary."

"Why should you separate something into 62 parts if you want to make it tiny? Because sixty-seconds=minute."

"WHAT IS SEX? HUSBAND: A minute of PLEASURE, then years of PRESSURE! WIFE: Moments of ECSTASY, followed by decades of SLAVERY! MISTRESS: Just stolen TIME, but never MINE! HOOKER: NEXT!"

"8: I'm gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won't eat all my favorite cereal. Me: Sounds pretty legit."

"A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a warzone **British soldier**: Did you come here to die? **Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!"

"A man working at an airport control tower when he notices a crash about to happen. He called the airplane crash hotline: 911."

"I saw someone use ""Terrierist"" instead of ""Terrorist"" and I don't know whether I should be afraid of my dogs or not."

"When life hands you melons, you know you're dyslexic."

"I went to the blacksmiths for a job interview He asked me ""have you ever shoed a horse before?"" I replied ""no, but i told a donkey to fuck off."""