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Joke of the Day

"A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a warzone **British soldier**: Did you come here to die? **Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!"

"*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months* ""Have you had the kid yet?"" -No ""Well, I'm level 77 on candy crush."""

"(child accidentally being born in butcher shop) Shirtless mother: what should we name him? Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra...ham"

"Don't care about baseball, but I love apple pie. Can I still be an American?"

"What's the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bustation the other is busty crustacean."

"TIFU by punching out my brother Oops, wrong sib"

"4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress* *puts on ballerina shoes* *puts on ballerina tiara* Me: Who are you supposed to be? 4: A ninja."

"What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again."

"It's alright if we're doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones."

"A black man walks into a bar, with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks: ""Where'd you get that?"" ""The jungle."" Replied the parrot."