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Joke of the Day

"Wife: What would you do if I died? Husband: I would go crazy Wife: Would you re-marry? Husband: Ah, not that crazy.."

"Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog. *son looks at carrot* Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them! Son: This is updoc. Mother: What's-"

"I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It's something I could really see myself doing."

"I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn't hear me call shotgun."

"What does a dyslexic zombie say? Brian's ... Briiiiiiiiian's!!!"

"I tried being polite by holding the door open for a lady She kept yelling, ""I'm peeing in here!"" What a bitch."

"Do you know poop is tapered at one end? So your asshole doesn't slam shut."

"I failed to stop a suicidal Catholic guy from blowing himself up. ""Abort, abort abort"", I shouted."

"7: Its the last week of school so we don't have to go. Can I stay home? Me: Ha! Nice try, kid. Teacher: Its true. Me: Ha! NICE TRY, TEACHER."

"Ok son, the bad news is, your dog died while u were at school. The good news however, I found a vape pen in a tree mmmm onion flavor"