208517

Joke of the Day

"Once I made the mistake of telling Jesus to take the wheel on a Sunday. Once."

"I went to a nightclub the other evening and saw a topless ventriloquist. She was really good. I never saw her lips move."

"I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things."

"If you've ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11."

"I saw a man the other day arguing with a traffic sign The sign looked incredibly uncomfortable. It really wanted him to Stop."

"FUN FACT: Teens in the late 1800s sent/received an average of 75 telegrams a day."

"What do you call a Tumblr user who identifies as a device which inflates a tire? A pumpkin!"

"I scream, you scream, we all scream... The ice cream man kidnapped us; please send help."

"BEARD PROGRESSION: 1. Clean shaven babyface. 2. Cool stubble. 3. Rugged. 4. Homeless man. 5. Psycho killer. 6. Religious nutjob. 7. Wizard."

"Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Does. Not. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has.Asthma"