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Joke of the Day

"Husband: Let's talk about it when we're not tired and cranky. Me: So, in like 18 years?"

"i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me"

"Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering???? A: More head room"

"Just got back from a once in a lifetime holiday, never again!"

"My aunt's ex-boyfriend's mailman's brother said it on Facebook so I don't think any further research is necessary."

"Popped a tire on a pot hole today Badum tss"

"I was reading in the paper today... about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?"

"*walks into Babies R Us* Hi I'd like to buy a baby. ""Sir we don't-"" *I slide him a 100 dollar bill* ""This way please."""

"I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously."

"The hotel has a live band and my favourite song is ""We're going for a break now, we'll be back later""."