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Joke of the Day

"i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me"

"Toilet seats can give you STD's... ...If you sit down before the person stands up"

"These coffee flavored rice cakes are delicious, but chewy. [eats another coaster]"

"Dwayne Johnson has said that he would run for President... As long as he isn't up against paper, then he should win."

"What's the most dangerous animal in the world? A Bluebird with a Tommy Gun."

"I wonder how many lightbulbs it takes to change a baby."

"Nothing makes me more proud of my son's sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework."

"I really hope it's a typo on your resume where it says you're ""goat oriented""."

"I gave my cat a bath the other day... he liked it, but the fur stuck to my tongue."

"Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus."