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Joke of the Day

"I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that's what I get for dating a raccoon."

"I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing. I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there."

"Friend celebrated her birthday today by falling off an elephant in Thailand, if you thought I'm the weird one in my circle."

"So there's a child and a gorilla... Well there WAS a gorilla."

"I mentioned to my friend Hanz that today's the anniversary of the world trade center attacks. ""Nein, 11"" he said."

"The past, the present, and the future all walked into one bar. It was quite tense."

"I majored in Politics, Computer Science, and Dance. Now I'm stuck writing Al Gore Rhythms."

"When an ad says critics are ""raving"" over a movie, I picture them all in a dark warehouse twirling glowsticks & giving each other back rubs."

"[first day as a bartender] Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade"

"If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It's SET THEM FREE isn't it? Sorry burning loved one."