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Joke of the Day

"[first day as a bartender] Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade"

"What do you call an Irish bodyguard? Liam Malone."

"My new fragrance is called Failure and smells roughly like a bowling alley."

"Little girls and fish Why do little girls put fishes down their pants? So the can smell like big girls!"

"What is yellow and lives off dead Beatles? Yoko Ono"

"Maybe the cure for cancer is leaving chocolate pudding cups in my fridge for more than 24 hours. We'll never know."

"YO' MAMA IS LIKE... ASS HAIR Yo' Mama is like ass hair: totally useless and full of sh*t."

"Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don't wanna have to explain why I'm in your Random Party Pics 08 album at 4am."

"Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I'd like to read a prescription bottle that says, ""May cause extreme sexiness."""

"I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it."