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Joke of the Day

"What gets louder if you enter it from one end, but quieter if you enter it from the other? A howler monkey."

"[hunting] ""In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call"" [clears throat, cups hands round mouth] ""COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK"""

"Another friend of mine is a very successful businessman. He started with five thousand pounds - now he owes fifty-five million."

"Is that placebo working for you? Well, now that you mention it, no."

"[first day as coast guard] Boss: 7 people died on your watch today Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine"

"Being God means never having to say you're sorry. Or anything, really."

"How do you eat soup with chop sticks? Slowly."

"Did you hear about Prince? He died."

"I always wanted to be Batman when I was younger. Not because of the money or the gadgets. I just hated my parents."

"Oh no! Playstation and Xbox online services are down! Someone call an ambulance! Wii U Wii U Wii U."