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Joke of the Day

"[first day as coast guard] Boss: 7 people died on your watch today Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine"

"Where do I see myself in ten years? I don't know. Let me think. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*"

"I've been hearing about bed stacking conspiracies It's only a matter of time before someone debunks them"

"What the worst part about pulling a hair clump from the drain of the apartment you just moved into? Waiting for it to dry so you can glue it to your sex doll"

"Dads are like boomerangs.... I hope. Edit: Guys I'm so confused, wtf is going on"

"My Facebook persona did not sleep well last night."

"Can you put the pin back in a grenade? It's kind of urgent. Need and answer fast."

"This actually happened My brother has a lockbox and lost the key, so he said to me ""Zaent, can you pick a lock?"", I replied ""Give me two and I'll pick one."""

"I was a professional boxer. Then I picked up Muay Thai just for kicks."

"Why did Paul Walker cross the road? To get to the other side."