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Joke of the Day

"People that don't tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened... Was it jail? I bet it was jail."

"Ever since they started calling pole dancers ""artists,"" I've been writing on my resume that my talents include ""moving in artistic circles."""

"My ex texted ""You've got a friend in me. XoXo"". I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave."

"What reddit page has that link/picture you're looking for? The next page."

"Going to work My boss told me yesterday, ""Don't dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want"". But when I turned up at the office today in Ghostbusters gear, the bastard said I was fired."

"[Knee-slappin, terrible OC] Why was the nun named ""NPN""? She was a trans-sister! *** I'm so sorry for wasting your precious mouse clicks on that god-awful joke"

"Her: how are you Me: good Her: you sure? Me: yup Her: you're alright? Me: yes.. Her: really? Me: Her: are y-- Me: people like you go missing"

"If I were a woman, I'd probably say things like ""gotta go polish the petunia"" and then back my car into a mailbox."

"What do you call a vagina with Parkinson's? [oc] Michael J. Box"

"If your bathroom sink looks like mine, you're disgusting and I'm a hypocrite."