181609

Joke of the Day

"My ex texted ""You've got a friend in me. XoXo"". I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave."

"Helium walks into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender says ""Sorry. We don't serve noble gases here"". He doesn't react."

"Knock Knock Who's there? Allah Allah who? Allahu Ackbar! /r/unexpectedjihad"

"All these people training for marathons and I'm over here, on my couch, trying to lasso the remote with my phone charger."

"My husband and I are thinking about leaving everything to our dog. What he will do with $20.00 I don't know. But I hope he enjoys it."

"take your time pedestrians we're not dreaming of mowing you down at all"

"Why did the pervert cough when he was caught molesting a pony? He was feeling a little horse."

"Beer isn't a solution Unless you're a chemist."

"Steve Buscemi makes me regret buying a high definition tv."

"For the New Year, I vow to take a selfie at 720p.m. It's a decent resolution."