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Joke of the Day

"A John gets crabs from a 10$ hooker... he goes back to complain, and the hooker tells him ""what did you expect for 10$, lobster?"""

"Happy Fathers Day to all you mother fuckers!"

"{discussing wedding dresses} CW1: I had mine preserved. CW2: I donated mine to a charity. You? Me: I used mine as kindling for a bonfire."

"People over 70 have a much different idea of what constitutes a story."

"Trigonometry Why can't Irish do trigonometry? They can't tan. Why can't Christians do trigonometry? They can't sin. Why can't the rest of us trigonometry? Just cos."

"Why do pill bottles have cotton in them? To remind blacks in America that they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers."

"You could call a woman beautiful 100 times and she'll never remember it. But call her ugly once and she'll never forget it. You know why? Because an elephant never forgets."

"How boring my life has become! The only time I hear myself say, ""I'm coming"" is when I'm trying to tell my dog I'm getting his food ready!"

"I parked in a disabled space today... ...and a traffic warden shouted to me, ""Oi, what's your disability?"" I said ""Tourettes! Now fuck off!"""

"My facial tattoo is going to look so cool when I'm working as a janitor for McDonalds."