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Joke of the Day

"I pulled on a door that says push. Cause I don't let a fuckin door tell me what to do."

"My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji."

"The human soul weighs 1.2lbs... I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into work."

"If you run into someone you know and they say ""we should hang out sometime"" just say ""I'm ready to hang out right now"" and watch them panic"

"When I woke up this morning I was like, ""I really can't stay"" but my bed was like, ""Baby, it's cold outside."""

"I'm worried about my girlfriend recently... I'm always worried if shes eating well, sleeping well, or if she exists at all."

"I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone And then it dawned on me"

"A fun prank is to search ""buy antique dolls"" on someone's computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever"

"How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man? None!"

"Why did the lady poet go to the doctor? She had a Yeats Inflection"