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Joke of the Day

"I haven't got a Twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times. So far I've got 3 followers but I think 2 are cops."

"[SPELLING BEE] JUDGE: Tim, your word is ""Oak"" TIM: [deep breath] Ok *BUZZER* T: What th J: So close! It's O-'A'-K T: But... J: Hard luck, kid"

"Thumb war is never the thumb answer."

"What's the difference between a Volvo and a Mercedes? Princess Diana wouldn't be caught dead in a Volvo"

"Before going to your partner's parents' house for the 1st time, it's very important to ask ""How much Jesus stuff can I expect to see?"""

"Pinion nut math What do you get when you have one pinion nut in one hand, and two pinion nuts in another? A difference of a pinion!"

"Being an adult means never having to show your work on a math problem. It's as awesome as it sounds, kids."

"I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I'm sure of: A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day."

"All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn't want to talk to you."

"How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb? Apparently not three because my basement is still dark."